census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
