So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
