Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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