We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I am midnight drunk by noon
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
