we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
