I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
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Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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