you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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