Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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