i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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