I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
