I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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