Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
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I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
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Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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