The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
