you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
pray to the hookup gods
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
