I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
