true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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