We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize