I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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