I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.