Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.