in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"