I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
