i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
