i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Someone shattered a urinal.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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