No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
