if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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