Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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