Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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