i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
