Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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