Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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