what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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