1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
