Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Floor bacon is actually really good
My feet surprised me
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
