Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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