Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
