Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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