Church boner. Awkwardddd
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
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Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
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Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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