She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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