nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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