did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
