So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
