Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
