I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
