my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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