I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
