At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
