My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
