the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
