you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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