i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
