and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
