He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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