The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
