He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
