She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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