I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We had to coat check the pizza.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
