Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
