I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
