you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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