I just made out with a guy for $7.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
