Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize