Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
