Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm like, not good at living.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
