On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
