Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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