I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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