Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
