My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
